On What it Means to be a Mother

We all know and love our Mothers.  At least, I hope we do.  They make mistakes, they get impatient, they yell, but under it all, they love us more than anyone else on this planet.  Right now, I want to take a minute for all of the Mothers who have lost a baby.  They are mothers with empty arms.

My story is short and not at all as heartbreaking as some I have heard.  I have 3 beautiful, healthy, annoying...I mean...sweet, and funny children.  They make my whole life worth living.  I would lay down my life for them without blinking.  

But....

Between my first and second little angel being born, we lost a baby.  It was very early.  I found out one week that I was pregnant and the next I was in an ER bleeding and being told I was having a miscarriage.  They told me I was lucky.  It was so early on that I shouldn't have much cramping and it would be like having a heavy period.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I was lucky?!?  It doesn't matter how early or how late.  I wanted that baby with all of my being.  It's not one of those things you understand until it happens to you.  To me, that was the next Hannah.  The next piece of me and Heath that had my whole heart from the minute I found out the baby existed.

There is something about carrying a child and being the only one who knows it for nine months that is special.  It's a bond like no other.  I had lost it in an instant.  

Looking back, yes, I suppose I was lucky.  I didn't get to the point where I was showing or could feel the baby move.  It was too early to even know what we were having.  But my heart and soul ached and yearned for that baby.

Everyone I knew was trying to be supportive by telling me it was meant to be.  Obviously God wanted that baby with Him and not here with us for some reason.  Pregnancies don't take sometimes because there was something wrong.  It was OK.  I heard that from everyone.  My husband.  My Mom.  My friends.  They were trying to help, yet I sunk deeper in a hole.

I was in no way ok.  I was heartbroken.  I still am.  I am crying right now thinking about it.  I tried to forget about it.  It didn't work.  In my effort to be ok, I started drinking 3-4 beers...every day...for 2 weeks.  My system wasn't used to that and couldn't handle it, but it eased the ache for a short time.  It wasn't until I broke down crying and admitted to myself and everyone else that I was not OK, that I started to feel a little more like me again.  I had to mourn that baby who will be nameless, faceless, genderless to me until God calls me home.  Nothing about losing a baby is OK.

Mother's Day can be heartbreaking for those who aren't as lucky as I am.  Yes, I lost one, but I now have three!  The silver lining in losing that baby is that I would not have Camden if that baby had survived.  I wouldn't know what I was missing.  When I look in Camden's sweet little face and laugh yet again at something she is saying or doing, I am thankful for her, even if it meant facing a heartbreak like I'd never known before in my life and hope to never know again.

My prayer today is for all of those Mothers who have yet to hold a baby in their arms.  They are mothers just like me, but they are Mothers to little angels and are missing that piece of Heaven here on Earth.  Please, take a minute today to think about these Mothers and to say a prayer for them. Pray for those Mothers who carried a baby safely for months, only to have to say goodbye when something went wrong.  So many parents have to say goodbye before they even get a chance to say hello: stillborn babies, miscarriages, pregnancies that are abnormal and terminate themselves, the list goes on.   It isn't fair, but you are still Mothers!

Say one for the women who never even get the chance.  Women who hear that they will never have children of their own.  They can still be a Mom even if it isn't through carrying and giving birth themselves.  Adopted babies are just as important and even more special.  Pray for those girls right now who are pregnant and terrified and feel like they don't have options.  I don't want to get on my high horse.  I don't want to judge or rant.  I just want everyone who has the desire to be a mom to have that chance.  Think about adoption.  It changes lives.

There is no moral to this story other than be compassionate.  Be understanding.  Hug a Mom and let her know she is doing a great job.  It doesn't matter if she has a baby in her arms or a baby in her heart.  She is a Mother.  Hug her.  She deserves it.

I was out of town at the wedding of a dear friend when I found out I was pregnant.  I couldn't not tell Heath.  This is a picture of me letting him know another baby was on board.  I lost the baby before I even got back home to him.