On Being So Mad I Could Cut You!!!!

Ladies!!!  Listen to me!!!  STOP CUTTING EACH OTHER DOWN!!!  I am so sick of people feeling inadequate based on petty little crap that other women are saying about them.  I get it.  I do.  It's "in our nature".  I can guarantee you if you stop worrying about your hair and how your make up looks for one second that you might find a lifelong friend in someone you otherwise would have stayed away from because they don't "look right".  IT'S SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There are not enough exclamations points for that last sentence to express how I feel about this.

I have felt unworthy.  I have felt ugly.  I have felt fat.  I have felt unfashionable.  I have felt just plain not good enough so many times in my life that I have lost count.  And you know what?  That's on me.  Not on you.  I constantly compare myself to other people because I constantly hear from other women my age all of the critical crap that comes out of a woman's mouth about other women that DOESN'T MEAN A THING!!!!  We listen to the jabs that our friends make about other women.  We internalize that and vow to never do that so we don't look stupid in front of our friends.  It just now started boggling my mind...I'm a little slow.  Should it have started bugging me a LOOOOOOOOOONG time ago?  YUP!

I have a man who loves me just the way I am.  He claims he loves me best without make up.  He claims I look hottest in work out clothes (OK, maybe that's because this NEVER happens anymore).  He never mentions when I put on a full face and dress up in my best clothes.  This doesn't turn his head like I hope it will.  Know why?  He loves me when I am ME.  That's when I turn his head.  I am so done trying to impress other women.  Honestly, when it boils down to it, isn't that the root of most of this crap we do...botox, plastic surgery, starving ourselves, paying an arm and a leg for the "best" make-up and clothes?  It's not for our men!  It's so that other women will look at us and say, "I wish I was her!"  It's ridiculous!  I do not want my girls growing up with this pressure.  Here are some hard facts.

Let's get real.  I am a size 12.  I weight 155 pounds.  I have a crooked face.  I am getting older.  I have lines around my eyes.  I have cellulite.  I have had 3 babies in the past 5 years years.  Does that make a difference on the body?  NO!  OK.  I'm lying.  Yes, it does.  In so many ways I can't even being to count them.  Would I change it for a second?  NOPE! I am flabby because I can't find the energy in a day to work out right now when my babies still need so much of my time.  Do I care?  HELL yes I do.  Why?  Because all of you tell me I should.  And because the roll over the waistband of my pants when I sit down is a little uncomfortable.  Do you like me any less than you did before you read this paragraph?  If you do, I really think maybe we shouldn't be friends because I don't want to care and if being around you makes me care, I don't want anything to do with it.  Do you feel smug that you weigh less, wear a smaller size, have less wrinkles and less cellulite?  That makes me sad if it does.  THAT'S the exact problem I'm talking about!

I understand that a lot of you will read my stats in that last paragraph and die a little inside thinking about being this big.  I know that some of you might think "that's pretty good! I wouldn't mind being that size".  It's all relative and it's all so superficial!

Am I going to keep working out and keep trying to eat right and take vitamins, etc?  YUP!  Do I hope to be a smaller size someday?  YUP.  I actually just want to sit down in a pair of jeans and not have to pull the waistband up over my tummy roll?  Feel me?  Am I letting go of how much of my time this takes up and how much it matters?  YUP!  Because my main goal right now is to be healthy and happy with who I am.  That's the example I want to set for my girls.

I have met some people in this world who I am amazed by.  They are full figured and so confident that you don't even notice a little extra skin.  I am searching for that confidence.  Honestly, when I'm around them, I just see a confidence that I hope to have someday.  Not a number on a scale or a size marked on their clothes.  I would trade with them in a second to have that confidence.

Do I hate you because you are smaller than me?  Maybe a little...I mean NO!  Do I want to drag you down because you have time do your hair, make up, pick a cute outfit (and know how to put one together) everyday?  NO.  Am I jealous?  Maybe a little.  Want to come do that here!?!?!

Do I take whatever time I can find to make myself feel pretty?  You betcha.  But at this point, that's for me.  Not you.  I am going to wear what I feel pretty in and what I want to.  If I look a little lumpier than you, can you do me a favor?  Don't say anything to me or anyone else because I feel pretty.  So should you!

If working out is your thing.  You look AMAZING!  I do not want to take that away from you.  I know you are working hard for the body you have.  FLAUNT IT!  Enjoy it!!!  Just don't make the rest of us feel bad if that can't be a priority in our lives.

I feel like I'm all over the place.  I should put out there that I do not think I'm fat.  I eat right (most of the time).  I get my unconventional workout in when I chase my 3 kids around.  I get on my elliptical.  Shaun T has tried (and very seriously succeeded) in kicking my butt with T25.  I am not condoning an unhealthy lifestyle here.  I just want every to sit back and be thankful for what they have and to understand that not all bodies work the same.  I am the size I was in high school.  I have tried every diet under the sun.  You know what helped me lose weight?  Being pregnant.  Throwing up for 9 months definitely makes you smaller.  I gained 15 lbs with my last baby.  He was 8 lbs 9 oz at birth.  Was this ideal? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  Want to know what's sad?  I had that superior feeling when I would talk to other women who had babies.  I liked to brag about it.  I get that need to feel "better" about weight.  IT'S RIDICULOUS!!!  It ends now.

Do me a favor.  Stop worrying about what other people think.  Embrace yourself!  Flaunt what you have no matter what size you are.  And please!  PLEASE!!!  Stop finding fault in other women.  You want to know why you are doing that?  To make yourself feel better.  Is it really working?  I bet not.  Instead, why don't you compliment other women on what you see that looks beautiful about them.  Let's build each other up and stop tearing each other down.  At some point, it's time to leave the high school mentality behind.

Go.  Look in the mirror.  LOVE who you are.  Find 10 things about yourself you love and screw the rest.  Or work on the rest, but work on it for you...or your man.  Promise me NOT to do it for other women.  We will never be satisfied.  We will always judge and be judged.  Starting today, let that crap go!