That is the ideal anyway. Most days, they fight me tooth and nail on the rules and consequences. There is a lot of crying (on their part) and begging and trying to get me to change my mind. I swear steam shoots out of my ears some days with the frustration of it all. Most of the time I stay strong and stick to my word. 9 times out of 10. Some days are different. Some days all 3 are melting down at the same time and I cave. I give in just to quiet at least one of them down. They also tend to bombard me in a public place. The minute I start losing control of the situation, I give in just to get some control back and get them where I want them. Unfortunately, this is just an illusion. The minute I give in, I'm no longer the boss or in control, and they just took over. You can tell by the smug looks on their sweet little rotten faces. Mommy fail!
That being said, as much as the adult-made rules are enforced in this house, adult words and feelings aren't the only important ones. We acknowledge how they feel. I get that it's frustrating when you aren't getting your way. I always let them know that I feel that way sometimes, too. I think it helps them to know even adults have moments where we are feeling mad, upset, and frustrated. We acknowledge that and talk about why, even though they are upset, they have to follow the rules of this family.
Part of making their feelings important is me asking them once a week or so what they like about me as a Mom and what they wish I would change. Heath was out of town earlier this week, so as we sat and ate a calm (surprisingly...this doesn't happen often) dinner, I took the opportunity to ask both girls a few questions to see where I stand in their little minds.
Question 1: What do you like about me as a Mom? What do I do well?
Camden: I love it when you hug me. (Heart melted!)
Hannah: I love it when you play with me, but you don't play with me very much any more. (Heart broken. Just a little. We talked about why I sometimes can't do that in a day...all the needs of all three kids and all of the work around the house that needs done. I let her know that I also love playing with her, but sometimes it just can't happen as often as we would both like. She nodded and smiled. She got it. She still felt loved. WIN!)
Question 2: What do you think I could do better as a Mom? What do I do that you don't like?
Camden: You don't give me hugs sometimes when I want them. (Heart shattered. Disclaimer on this. She usually wants a hug when I am up to my elbows in making dinner or changing a diaper or bathing a baby. Her timing is a little rough. That being said, I'm making a much bigger effort to always stop what I'm doing and hug her little body every time she asks.)
Hannah: I don't like it when you yell at me and put me in time out. (Upon further discussion, she realized that this was both of our faults. Hers for not following the rules. Mine for losing my cool and yelling instead of just calmly enforcing the consequence of breaking the rule. We are women. We are both ruled by emotions. The teenage years around here might get interesting!)
What I'm trying to say here is please don't let your kids call the shots. They need guidance and rules to learn how life works. If you want to see what letting your kid call the shots will do later in life, go hang out in a middle school and I guarantee you will pick out the kids who were allowed to make all the decisions. I would bet you would be appalled by the stinker's behavior. Go to a high school. You'll pick them out there, too. Go to work. You know that co-worker who doesn't work nearly as hard as everyone else, but still thinks they poop gold and deserve all of the praise and promotions. Yup! You found him...or her!
I am very much enjoying my job as a Mom. I want to raise kids who know how to follow rules, know how to work hard to get what they want out of life, and who realize that their feelings and thoughts matter. Hopefully, this is a Mommy win. I feel like it is right now. I'll get back to you in 30 years and let you know for sure.
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